FISH & LOAVES
Four years ago I wanted to change the world. I didn’t give much thought to college because I figured with my new-found freedom as a high school graduate, I would save up to buy a plane ticket somewhere. Hop on and live life halfway across the world, away from everything I was familiar with, away from all my family and friends. I was ready too, and I was ok with this plan of mine. Of course, I had other ideas, like maybe writing and illustrating. But more than that I wanted to do something that mattered, in my mind I couldn’t comprehend the worth of any of my stories or a piece of art, or how it could even affect people around the world. Moving away and giving up everything was the best idea I had. It is true that such obedience is necessary at times, God does call people to serve around the world- to be the physical hands and feet, showing up day in and day out for people. But God can also do more than we can imagine and sometimes he doesn’t need a plane to do it. Four years ago, a plane ride and a foreign country was one of the only ideas I had to serve and live a life helping others. Now, I look back and see something entirely different. Four years ago, God told me to stay. If I am honest it took far more faith for me to stay than it would have to pack my life into a suitcase and take off. Four years ago, I gave God a chance. Not that he needs a chance, but I had my own choices to make and out of all of them I chose to give God the chance of my life. To make something out of my dreams and ideas, thoughts, and words. I say this now, but even three years ago I didn’t see it, I just said yes.
Picture a storage room by the door, walls covered with quotes, doodles, and picture book illustrations. A shelf turned into a desk and work space, covered with art supplies, and piles of paper strewn about. Three years ago this is where I was. I was a college drop out after only one semester, sitting in a storage room drawing. I say it so harshly, because I felt the reality of it. I knew without a doubt this is what I needed to do, I knew God had called me to it. I knew how my heart and soul came alive when I shut everything out and let my imagination spin. I knew this, but there was so much I didn’t know. What could a story do? How would this affect or help anyone? Yeah ok, it might encourage someone, but what about out there? What about across the world where people are hurting and need help? With this perspective, everything I was doing felt so irrelevant. I was beginning to write and illustrate my first book, ‘The Legend of the Starfish’, constantly asking God what I could do, especially for the Middle East. I would always hear the question echoed in my mind, what can you do? Well, draw. And write. I would hear God telling me, well then- sit down, draw! Write!
So, I did.
During this time, the retelling of how Jesus fed five thousand in the book of John really stood out to me. It is just like all the others in the bible, but in my ESV version and in this specific book of the bible, when the disciples brought the few fish and loaves they had been given, they asked Jesus, “… But what is this for so many?” Jesus didn’t tell them, ‘Well it is actually going to be above and beyond! Because I am going to multiply it all! Everyone will be filled to the brim and satisfied, and I am going to send you home with the leftovers.’ No, that’s not what he said. He only responded, “Have them sit down.” He didn’t bother explaining, he just said let me show you. Sit down. Sometimes all God wants from us is the obedience to say yes. To just sit down. To just start passing out the fish and loaves, just begin. Can you imagine how surprised the disciples were when they never ran out?? And at the same time, if they had had to carry enough food for the five thousand all at once, it would have been too much for them to carry. Overwhelming! Impossible even. And how do you think the five thousand felt when they realized there was enough for them too? There was enough for the disciples, their neighbor, the person over a thousand feet away, and even them. Not just enough, but more than. Each time I struggled to keep going, keep believing that God perhaps knew something I didn’t, I would be reminded of this story. It never felt glamorous or extraordinary, I just sat down. I had never experimented with the illustration style I chose, ever. I just sat down and began, and the ideas or the ways to do it never seemed to run out. Like the fish and loaves they just kept coming.
After spending nine months on the book, it was finished. I knew then there would be a whole other mountain to climb- publishing. Query letters, submissions, months and months of waiting, I was sure of it. I have been sure of a lot of things in my very short life, and I am almost always grateful when my confidence is proven misplaced. Literally within a few days of finishing, my high school art teacher and close family friend text me about a publishing company she had stumbled upon through Instagram, The Joy Market. I emailed them, they emailed me back. Turns out they were a non-profit publishing company, their sole purpose being to change the world through stories. We met, signed a contract, and they suggested giving the proceeds to Preemptive Love. A nonprofit working on the front lines in Iraq and Libya. They do so much to help those in need and it was decided that the sales of the book would go to fund heart surgeries. Here's the thing- I didn’t mention any of this, they did.
Months before this it was so heavy on my heart to help those in the Middle East, and God brought it full circle. I couldn’t do a thing, I couldn’t hop on a plane, or perform those heart surgeries myself. No, but I could draw. It is amazing how God can transform obedience. Even more so the things that can be created through doing ordinary things with intentionality.
My book has been out for two years and even now I know the fish and loaves are just beginning. Today I stood in front of a classroom of 26 students from all over the world, many of them whose families are refugees to America. I read my book and spoke to them about the importance of their dreams in this world. We laughed, we hugged, they listened. I didn’t have a plan for what I was going to say when I stood in front of them, I can confidently say that God gave me every single word. Let that be the precursor to what I am about to say:
Today, I spoke to the nations. I spoke words that will be carried into homes that I will never set foot in. To families that I will never meet, to nations that I have never traveled to. Reaching a farther audience than my one way plane ticket ever could. I take no credit, the same way the disciples could take no credit for the unending fish and loaves. All they gave to the cause was obedience and they received food for themselves and others. Which in a moment of extreme hunger is all one really wants.
Children have received heart surgeries through this, nations and refugees have been told they matter. And me? I am a dreamer who can say that God is faithful and so are the dreams and gifts he gives. The thoughts and ideas swirling around within you are not worthless. Four years later and the ability to confidently believe this is more than enough for me.
And still, I am sure there are more fish and loaves to come- for all of us.